Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Secret Crash Diets, By Special Request

Reader Miss Matilda recently wrote that she recalled a "chicken, boiled egg, and wine diet," from a Vogue beauty book. The book in question happened to be in my collection. Let's take a look at the chapter, "Slimming," from this encyclopedic 1977 book by Brownwen Meredith (such a glamorous name!). When deciding on a goal weight to aim for with your crash diet, keep this in mind:

"Big or small bones don't make as much difference as we would like to think. Bones weigh roughly one-sixth of your weight. They can give you an alibi for about 7 pounds at the most."

I present, the HONEY AND EGGS diet, on which most meals look like this:

Breakfast: Honey and egg cup: 2 egg yolks, 1 teaspoon honey and a dash of ground black pepper; beat until thoroughly blended
Black coffee or lemon tea

I don't doubt that would lead to weight loss; the special drink sounds like a powerful emetic.

Next up, the WINE AND EGGS diet:

1 egg, hardboiled
1 glass white wine (dry, preferably Chablis)
Black coffee

2 eggs, hardboiled
2 glasses white wine
Black coffee

For dinner on this one you're permitted steak and whatever remains in the wine bottle but I'd be long asleep by then. There's also the classic DRINKER'S DIET, which allows for hard liquor if Chablis doesn't make enough of a dent in your appetite.

These are followed up with a section on the HCG DIET PLAN. That's Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, a compound obtained from pregnant women's urine. I've been meaning to mention this to you as it's featured in many of my old books written between say 1945 and 1980. Diet clinics specialized in injections of the substance, paired with a strict 500 calorie per day diet, all bound up in complicated science.

You know that guy Kevin who writes books about the health and weight loss secrets They don't want you to know? The one who claims that various entities frequently threaten his life for dispersing such secrets by book and infomercial? The HCG thing is his weight loss secret. And his book has caused a mild resurgence in clinics that offer this treatment. And now They are after me. I do it all for you.

I have read the science behind it in books written over the past 60 years, and it never makes sense to me. There is no group of humans better known for weight gain then the pregnant, baring perhaps college freshman, but I've digressed.

Back to Miss Matilda's request. We all know that for best results one must combine a sensible diet, such as the extremely sensible choices above, with equally sensible, and vigorous exercise. So I went ahead and put together a custom plan for Miss Matilda, from the moves offered up in Bronwyn's book. Click to enlarge.

Oh all right, I admit it. These exercises were not chosen based on Miss M's problem areas, but as most everything is chosen here: based on what makes me giggle. Miss M has a flawless figure!