Thursday, August 7, 2008

How to Make a Man Fall in Love With You

Looks aren't everything. To get the guy, you will need to employ a complicated method of shmychological warfare. Thank goodness for Tracy Cabot and her 1984 runaway bestseller, How To Make a Man Fall In Love With You.

The book begins by going over what doesn't work, including threatening suicide, faking pregnancy, and this:

"I had to admit to myself what I was doing after a while," this successful television actress confided to me. "I was spending almost two thousand dollars a month in cocaine. I tried to get him hooked on the drug. Then I figured I could always have him when I wanted him by offering him more.
"I bought him a little silver coke spoon and a mirror that said 'You're wonderful' on it. When he walked in my door there were little white lines on the coffee table to greet him. He fell in love with someone else anyway."

I can't help but think that showcasing such extreme examples will make any instructions that follow look viable. So. The way to make a man fall in love with you is largely through the use of "mirroring." You begin by carefully testing and monitoring him to figure out which of three types he falls under: Visual, Auditory, or Feeling. Each of these types has a distinct Love Language you'll need to learn to communicate with them. How to tell? Just ask a few simple questions:

"I'm thinking of getting a new car. How did you decide on your Ferrari?" The visual man might answer, "It looks like it's doing 120 just standing still. The auditory man might say, "Nothing sounds like a Ferrari-- at 8,000 rpm, it just sings," The feelings man might tell you, "The way it hugs the road-- you'll have to experience it for yourself."

When you've pinned his type, you'll know how best to talk about the relationship in a way that will make him commit. Where do you see us going? Do you like the sound of a future with me? I love the way you make me feel. Get it?

Next, you will install a magic button on your sweetheart. By choosing an unusual spot on his body and touching it in a moment of deep pleasure, you will be able to turn his bad moods around and remind him of how good you can make him feel (or look? Or um, hear?) at other times simply by pressing that magic button.

The author also lets us in on how she landed her husband by mirroring his taste in clothing:

He invited me to a party at his house and I knew at least one of the other women he was seeing would be there. I wanted to make the right impression.
Instead of trying to figure out what I had to wear that he'd never seen before, or what would make the other women sit up and take notice, I simply figured out what he would wear. Then I wore the same thing.
My rivals both showed up in their finest and sexiest. One wore a Halston. The other wore a very seductive gypsy outfit with her bare midriff beckoning and her cleavage calling. Instead of trying to compete, I wore a simple silk blouse, leather belt, boots and jeans, exactly what my future husband wore that night.
Naturally , he loved my outfit and I got all the attention. He thought I was most appropriately dressed-- because I wore exactly what he wore. An he never knew I was mirroring him that night until he read this chapter.

Apparently this stuff works. Tracy is still married to the man in the simple silk blouse (she said exactly), and together they run an online Love Library of advice and market the Discoveries in Romance software package and couples retreats at resorts such as Sandals.

As usual in this book, women need to take notice and coddle while men are allowed to just be. But my reaction to such things is not a particularly feminist one. My voting record, sure. But advice on how to snare a fellow tends to ignite delighted giggles in me rather than righteous indignation.

If there are any men reading this who are in love with me, now you know how I cast my spell. I of course refer to the coke spoon I gave you for Christmas; I don't have the attention span to carry out Dr. Cabot's intricate plan of attack.