Julie Klausner Drinks Jesus Smoothies

I'm going to an event next week where Julie Klausner will be reading from her new book.  I am somehow not as familiar with her work as everyone else seems to be, but after watching this old video, I do feel a certain kinship.




Note:  I used to have an agent in common with those Skinny Bitches.  They are strident proponents of The Don't Kid Yourself Diet.  Oh, and I just now put together that she did those infamous spoofs of Brenda Dickson's videos.  Yeah, I like this girl.

Multiple Inventions and Ring-Tailed Lemurs: Kirstie Alley's New Reality Show

No matter who you are or how your tastes run, I defy you to describe an earthly entertainment finer than this, Kirstie Alley's upcoming reality show:


"In addition to chronicling her weight loss battle on TV, the show will also feature her  'producing a feature film, patenting multiple inventions, working hard to raise two normal Hollywood teenagers, True and Lillie [her adopted sons with ex Parker Stevenson], taking care of eight ringtail lemurs, and on top of everything, looking for love -- nothing like a little pressure,' according to the release."

Eyes Like Goddamn Seashells: J. D. Salinger on Beauty

    Part of what I like about Salinger's writing are his little remarks about pretty girls.  But when I began to round up those bits to show you, I couldn't help remembering something he wrote, not in a story, but in a letter to a friend. On the marriage of his teen-aged sweetheart, Oona O'Neil, and the much older Charlie Chaplin:

    "I can see them at home in the evenings. Chaplin squatting grey and nude, atop his chiffonier, swinging his thyroid around his bamboo cane, like a dead rat. Oona in an aquamarine gown, applauding madly from the bathroom. Agnes [her mother] in a Jantzen bathing suit, passing between them with cocktails. I'm facetious, but I'm sorry. Sorry for anyone with a profile as young and lovely as Oona's."

At right is the profile in question.  This particular passage came out in court when Salinger sued to stop Ian Hamilton's biography from being published.  Odd that Salinger took issue with the age difference.  But I love that image.  So comic-book macabre.


Anyway, here are some things about pretty girls that Salinger actually wanted us to read, starting with a couple from Catcher In The Rye:

     "I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down.  That's the thing about girls.  Every time they do something pretty... you fall half in love with them, then you never know where the hell you are." 

    "If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late?  Nobody." 

Next, from the story A Perfect Day for Bananafish:
     "She was a girl who for a ringing phone dropped exactly nothing. She looked as if her phone had been ringing continually ever since she had reached puberty.  "

From Franny and Zooey:
     "There were half circles under her eyes, and other, subtler signs that mark an acutely troubled young girl, but nonetheless no one could have missed seeing that she was a first-class beauty. Her skin was lovely, and her features were delicate and most distinctive."

From the story, De Daumier-Smith’s Blue Period:
     "I saw her coming to meet me -- near a high, wire fence -- a shy, beautiful girl of eighteen who had not yet taken her final vows and was still free to go out into the world with the Peter Abelard-type man of her choice."

 

And from the story, Pretty Mouth and Green My Eyes:
     "Christ, it's embarrassing--I start thinking about this goddam poem I sent her when we first started goin' around together. `Rose my color is. and white, Pretty mouth and green my eyes.' Christ, it's embarrassing--it used to remind me of her. She doesn't have green eyes--she has eyes like goddam sea shells, for Chrissake."

 

"Mascara Horses" and the "Beloved Cleavage Area"

You've seen at least a few of Sarah Haskins' Target Women videos, right? This one is from a few months back, but I just now watched it and learned about a peculiar beauty device that even I was unaware of, the Kush Support. I do not at all understand what that thing is meant to ameliorate, though I do fall into two categories (the first two) of women to whom this product "offers comfort". All I know is it looks dirty.

And "mascara horses" remind me of this.

Updated!

I found this on the testimonial page of the Kush site:

"It's such a nice, light and comfortable device that snuggles perfectly in the cleavage area – I am amazed that I can't even feel it’s there. I am so happy a product is now here to help women do away with those wrinkle lines in our beloved cleavage area"

Hand Mirror, Flashlight, and... This

So My New Pink Button has been all over the web today. It's a "simple to use Genital Cosmetic Colorant that restores the 'Pink' back to a Woman's Genitals." But apparently that description still confuses some. From the FAQ's:

Q. “Where do I put it exactly”?

A. Please see our detailed instructions with the self-explanatory diagrams. Its easy as 1-2-3!

But what to do if you've shelled out your $29.95 for this important new product, only to now find your other intimate areas suddenly and sadly lacking in dazzle? Here's a suggestion that ties in with the other big beauty news of the day, Neanderthal glamour.

"Egyptian beauties were the first to use body glitter, gilding their nipples with an elegant gold frost. When you are entertaining a special someone, you might try using a gold or bronze mica powder on this super-sexy part of you, for a special under-negligee surprise."

--Barbara Walden, Easy Glamour (1981)

Ayla Could Use a Little Color on Her Lips

The discovery of pigment inside shells at an archeological site in Spain suggests Neanderthals may have used cosmetics. Sparkly ones at that:

"The small quantity of pigment recovered in the oyster shell also led the archaeologists to speculate that it had been made for use on the body. According to Zilhão, the effect of the darkly sparkling preparation would not have been too different from today's coruscating skin powders.

"The idea that came to our minds was that it was some kind of glitter or makeup like the shimmery stuff that people were wearing a few years ago," he said." --The Guardian

I enjoy it when science that indicates creative grooming is an instinct, instead of a misguided social construct.

I'd Kill For Her Hair

Kathleen Worell, 20, of Sydney Australia, has admitted to stabbing her 18 year-old sister, Susan, to death over "hair straighteners." Here's the story. The article says the girls' parents have confirmed that their murderous daughter suffered a hormonal condition. I looked it up and found nothing that would indicate it's sufferers are prone to violence. But it's not a stretch to think it could have caused unmanageable hair, and that, I'm sure you'd agree, can make a girl crazy.

I think it's time to revisit one of my favorite auto-beauty-ographies: The Strange Case of Edith Carter.